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Don Bain

Episode 19: I Want a Raise

Howdy partners, Pancho the ranch dog with you yet another day. Ranch doggin' is tough. Hours are lousy and pretty much everything on the ranch tries to stomp, sting or stick the pug - and those are my friends.

Today we're gonna talk about ranch dog pay. I mean, have you seen what they serve around here?

I have a horse buddy, goes by Pronto. You may recall, we went to the feed store the other day. You wouldn't believe the gourmet delicacies they have for Pronto - Rolled Oats Remoulade, Alfalfa Tartare and Molasses Crisps all in a brightly lit aisle with beautiful color labels. For Pancho, not so much. To find the ranch dog aisle you have to go in the back, past the sheep dip, where it is real dark and kids are scared to go unarmed. There you'll be lucky to find 2 choices in plain white bags.

The Chicken Delight is the better of the two. Label says "particle board fiber, cardboard and scrap paper, spritzed with just enough chicken flavor for your pug to tolerate choking it down", written in crayon no less. And it is only available every other month when they change the rancid oil in the fryer down to the fried chicken place in town. The other one is called Carnival, the label says "At least 30% post-consumer recycled paper" and the special carnival flavor ingredient is oil from corndog fryer when the carnival leaves town. The post-pug version differs only in color.

The guy at the feed store says, "It's good enough. It is not like your ranch dog is paying rent or anything." I think the crayon writing was his. I told you before, I do not like that guy over the whole "your dog looks like he needs worm medicine" remark.

Fellars, I want a raise.

Your Pal, Pancho.